Mother

Steps to End a Semi-Open Adoption

In some semi-open adoption situations, it may become necessary to close that relationship. Whether it is that the relationship is in someway harmful to the child, or some reason, if it is in the best interest of the child, you should close the adoption. This is not a decision to be entered in lightly, as the birth mother was ensured a semi-open adoption. However, here are the steps you may need to follow for closing the adoption.

Make a list of the reasons for this closure. Be sure to outline why this is the best choice for the child.

Closely examine your reasoning for this action. Make sure that the action is necessary. You will need to justify why you are breaking the open adoption agreement with the birth mother.

Consider any available alternatives. For example, if correspondence from the birth mother could be harmful, you could state that you will no longer receive letters from her, however, you will still continue to send pictures and updates to here.

Talk over your decision with the adoption intermediary.

Send correspondence to the birth mother explaining your decision. If the decision is based on some action by the birth mother, explain what steps she can take to reverse the situation.

Stop all communications. Once the communication and correspondence ends, the adoption becomes a closed one.

Make sure that you explain your decision thoroughly to your child. Your child will naturally have some questions about your decisions, and you should be prepared to explain them.

Filed Under: Adoption, Family, Parenting Tagged With: Adoption, Family, Mother

Being A New Mom

When you become a new parent, you are entering a whole new world. Being a new mom can be very stressful and at times you can forget to take care of yourself. One thing you need to remember when you have a baby is not only taking care of the baby, but taking care of yourself as well.

Remember to shower every morning. When you take a shower, you feel clean and relaxed and every mother needs to feel this at least once a day. Do not underestimate the effects a hot shower will have in the morning. It will help you feel fresh and ready for the new day.

Taking a walk is a great activity to do when you are a new mother. This will help clear your head, keep you healthy, and relax you when you are having a tough day. Taking your baby out in the stroller can help the baby feel relaxed as well.

When you are having a tough week, consider getting a baby sitter for the day. Sometimes you need some time to yourself. Take the night off every once in a while to go have some fun. When you are a new mother, parenting takes priority over everything, however, do not forget about your friends. Take the time to spend time with the people you are close to. They can also help you out when you need it. Turn to your family and friends when you need help. Have a positive attitude; there is no such thing as a perfect parent.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Babysitting, Mother, Parent

A Touch of Tiger Mother Can Be A Good Thing

Chinese-American mother Amy Chua caused a sensation in early 2011 when her book, “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” and accompanying article in the Wall Street Journal, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior,” were published. In interviews, Chua, who also is a Yale law professor, said she’s not advocating a “right way” to raise high achieving children, but wrote these pieces to share her thoughts, experiences and struggles. Her point of view is worth considering.

One of the arguments Chua makes is that true self-esteem comes from accomplishing something. Therefore, a tiger mother applies the right amount of pressure to motivate children to do more than they think they can. Discipline and excellence are expected in her daughters’ schoolwork, their musical practice and other endeavors. Chua constantly monitors their activities and won’t let them slack up on the time they devote to homework and practicing their instruments.

When one of her daughters had trouble on an arithmetic test and told her mother how much she hated math, Chua immersed the girl in practice tests and drills. The extra time spent on the subject paid off – she aced her next test and decided she liked math after all.

“It’s part of a parent’s job to help their child see what they’re capable of,” Chua said.

According to studies by psychologist K. Anders Ericsson, mastery is accomplished by spending 10,000 hours at something. The world’s top musicians, artists, athletes and scientists have both innate talent and the discipline to practice their craft hours each day from a young age into adulthood. Natural talent alone is not enough to become elite.

Some might say forcing a child into a rigid schedule is too strict. But allowing a child to waste time, get poor grades and quit at sports and activities is a formula for failure, the tiger mothers would say.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Mother

An Open or Closed Adoption: What Is Better?

: Image via Wikipedia

If you’re planning on giving your baby up for adoption, you have three choices: a semi-open adoption, an open adoption, or a closed adoption. A semi-open adoption means that you can get updates on how your child is progressing including pictures. There are some limitations placed such as not knowing your child’s last name or where he or she is located, but you can still feel connected to your baby. With an open adoption, the birth parents know the adoptive parents and they may communicate directly giving updates, etc. A closed adoption means that you do not have any information about your child or who the parents are. Usually there is someone who picks the baby up from the birth mother after giving birth and delivers the baby to the adoptive parents.

There are many pros and cons to open and closed adoptions that should be considered as you plan to give up your child. Having an open adoption means that you’ll never lose contact with your child and will always know how he or she is doing. You won’t wonder what happened to your baby.

Still, there are definite downsides as well. For one, you will never be his or her parent. You will have to give up control to the adoptive parents. You may not agree with what religion they choose to raise your child in or what values they instill in your child. When your ideas of how your child should be raised conflict with theirs, arguments may arise.

One thing you’ll also want to consider is how your decision will affect your child. There have been books published on the effects of open adoption on children. These include Children of Open Adoption by Patricia Martine Dorner and Kathleen Silber and The Spirit of Open Adoption by Jim Gritter. If you want to make it possible for your child to contact you later in life, if he or she chooses, then you can always have an open adoption with the idea of only exchanging names and nothing else. You’ll want to choose what is best for you.

Filed Under: Adoption Tagged With: Adoption, Family, Mother

Having a Baby Changes You – Being a New Mother (part 2)

Being a New Mother – Continued from Part 1

4. Your brain will temporarily vacate. Insanity isn’t a pretty picture, but just know that there will be (very normal) moments of complete illogical despair. There will be times you are so tired, you could literally fall asleep on the floor next to the baby’s crib – the better to conserve energy and boost efficiency (walking from room to room can be exhausting at two in the morning!). Or you will forget how many scoops of formula you added to the bottle and have to start over again. Expect a malfunctioning brain and do your best to work through it. This too shall pass.

5. Breastfeeding: not as easy as you thought. Breast feeding seems like a natural consequence of having a baby. Unfortunately, many women struggle with breastfeeding their baby – be prepared to put in the effort. In fact, some new mothers never acquire this often stressful and elusive skill. But even when your nipples are continually raw and sore, and your baby refuses to latch on, do NOT let yourself feel like a failure. If a lactation nurse isn’t able to help, use a breast pump or switch to formula – it’s actually more convenient in a lot of ways (and certainly less of a strain in public).

6. Comparison envy. When you have a newborn, perfection seems like it should be attainable, yet it truly isn’t. You’ll look at other mothers (“Perfect Moms”) and wonder how they can seem so put together, with their perfectly-behaved children in freshly starched clothing. You’ll look at your baby in his stained shirt and feel disgust and self-loathing. These are the mothers who make everyone else look bad, the enigmas of the parenting world. You’ll wonder why it isn’t working out that way for you – after all, this is how you imagined motherhood to be. Don’t worry – do the best you can and remember that your child won’t be scarred by a few mistakes. Heck, he won’t even remember being dropped on his head!

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Breastfeeding, Infant, Mother

Adoption and Financial Means

: Image via Wikipedia

Adoption is a wonderful thing. It gives a child a loving home and a family a child to love. However, there are costs involved. It can be difficult not to become overwhelmed by the issue of money but there are things that can be considered, such as a debt consolidation service to help you get your costs under control or something as simple as a fact sheet of figures that shows you and your family exactly what is involved. In fact, in undertaking any type of situation that requires a substantial amount of money, it is important to make sure you have things under your control and the way to start is by making lists and budget sheets.

There are usually two primary factors in adoption: the cost of adoption itself and the cost of raising a child. Some families may have the latter covered but will be intimidated by the upfront cost. The issue is that it’s not something you “shop around” for either. This is why it is important to find out what this may cost you financially and then see where you’re at and what you can handle. Since the child and your family are the most important factors in the equation, even though cost is a major concern, the important aspect is to know that you can do it.

Many families that perhaps felt that they could never adopt have done so successfully. It takes drive and determination but it is certainly something that can be done and is done all of the time. Don’t let cost get in the way of providing a loving home to a child that needs it. On the other hand, know what your limitations are and how to overcome them. This is done by simply looking at all of the facts and making informed decisions.

Filed Under: Adoption Tagged With: Adoption, Cost of raising a child, Facilitators, Family, Home, Mother, United States, Wish to Adopt

Will the Birthmother Choose to Parent

Deciding that you want to adopt an infant is a big decision that can bring you hope as well as heartbreak. The biggest fear most adoptive parents have about taking home an infant is that they will bring their child home only to find out that the birth mother has changed her mind.

When you are working with an agency, you should always ask them how often this happens. If an agency says that nobody ever takes their child back, or that the adoption rate is 100 percent, you should find another agency as they are being deceitful. Even the best of agencies has some mothers that take them by surprise and decide to parent. Conversely, if they say the rate is closer to 50% or higher that the mother is choosing to parent, then the agency is not screening birthmothers well enough and you should go with someone else.

The average rate that birth-mothers take their children back after the family has taken the child home, is 10 to 15 percent at a reputable agency. The rate is much higher when you consider the number who choose to parent between birth and the time the child is released from the hospital.

Once you’ve been chosen by a mother, you can also take note of some warning signs that studies show tend to predict whether or not a mother will choose to parent. The following factors increase the likelihood that the birthmother will parent the child.

*If the birthmother is 16 or younger.
*If she does not attend church or believe in God.
*If she lives with the father of the baby.
*If she has close family who is against the adoption.
*If her mom was a single mother.
*If her parents have no education beyond high school.
*If she is a high school drop out.
*If she has no plans for her future.
*If she has friends who are single parents.
*If the delivery is more difficult than normal.

Obviously everyone hopes for the best in these situations. However, it doesn’t hurt to keep these warning signs in mind so that you can be prepared if the birthmother chooses to parent.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Adoption, Mother, Parent

Challenges Of Single Parent Adoption

: Image by Bread for the World via Flickr

With some families moving away from traditional institutes of marriages, single parenting stories have become very common. Gone are the days when the stereotypical images of single mothers conjured up pregnant teens or abandoned women. These days, well-educated professional women are choosing to be mothers on their own terms. The same is true of men who do not shun away from the responsibilities of nurturing and bringing up a child and who are happy to be a single parent.

The challenges faced by a single parent wanting to adopt are much more than they are for married counterparts. Singles usually do not find support from families and friends in their endeavor. In the US, most birth mothers who want to give up their child for adoption choose couples over single parents. Age is a factor, too. A birth mother isn’t going to give her baby to people just shy of needing nursing homes.

If you want to adopt, you have to prove that you have a support system in place, like family, friends, baby sitters, etc. to help you out in emergency situations. Entering motherhood or fatherhood is a big job. Trying to accomplish that successfully without a partner can be very exhausting. There are other challenges, too, for single parents who wish to adopt, including finances, logistics, and emotional problems.

Many agencies refuse to give children to single parents without financial backup. There can be logistical problems like where to leave the child if business travel comes up. Single parents will soon realize that having a child around leaves them with no time for themselves, which can be emotionally draining.

Though single parenting seems to have more challenges than two-parent teams face, there is no denying the fact that a child benefits from a single parent home over an orphanage.

Filed Under: Parenting Tagged With: Mother, Parent, Single-parent

Tips for Writing the Dear Birthmom Letter

Writing a letter to prospective birth mothers in the adoption process can be daunting. How does one tell enough, in one short letter, about their family to convince her that they might be the best family to raise her child. There are a few things to keep in mind when it is time to write yours.

* Be Positive. It is best not to point out things about your life that you wish you could change. Nobody’s life is perfect. But in the short amount of space that you have in a letter, you should focus on the positive aspects of your life.

* Be honest. The truth will come out. There is no reason to hide anything. There is no need to exaggerate your jobs or your income or any aspect of your lives to convince the birth mother to choose you. Birth mothers are going to respond to people who sound honest more often then people who seem to be fabricating a grand family life.

* Try to make a connection. If you have a good sense of humor, throw in a few jokes. If you enjoy music, make some musical references. Share information about your parenting styles. The birth mother will know that she is getting a good sense of who you really are. If you and she share similarities, she is more likely to want to meet you.

* Draw her a picture with your words. The birth mother should be able to visualize a day of her baby being included in your family life. Will you take her to museums, let her take ballet? Will you teach him to play baseball and how to build a dog house? Maybe you like to do crafts and look forward to being able to make Christmas cards together. Tell her those things.

The birth mother wants to know that the family who is parenting her child after adoption is giving that the child the best family life possible, something she could not give. Keep this in mind when you are writing your letter.

Filed Under: Guidance & Advice Tagged With: Adoption, Family, Mother